Robert Mugabe

"God appointed me President and only God can remove me"

So says the (clearly insane) president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe.

To which there can be only one response ..

"Let us pray ..."

It's the old Irish Joke!

Lost traveller in Ireland: "Excuse me, but can you tell me the way to the new all-singing, all-dancing European Union?"

Irishman: "If I were you, sir, I wouldn't start from here."

In accordance with the Irish Constitution the Irish people were given a vote on whether or not to accept the Lisbon Treaty, and last week they said "NO". The Lisbon Treaty is supposed to be different from the "European Constitution" that was drafted a couple of years ago and to which the French and the Dutch also said "NO". Most people, however, (at least those who can understand the Lisbon Treaty) assert that there is little difference between the two, and on this basis the British Government should have honoured its promise to give British citizens a referendum on whether or not to accept. But no, of course, they reneged on the deal, trying to convince us that this is something quite different, and therefore needs only to be ratified by Parliament.

Since European law states that the Lisbon Treaty can only come into effect if ratified by ALL European States the Irish referendum result kills it stone dead - doesn't it?

I doubt it, because the European Union, though claiming to be democratic is quite the opposite, and the European Commission is hell bent on driving these changes through. As soon as the Irish said "NO" the bureaucrats were jumping out of their boxes to tell us that it would make no difference. So, no change there then.

Meanwhile, hats off to the Irish for saying "NO" to something that nobody understands, and reflecting the view of most European citizens that the Brussels bureaucracy has got too big for its boots and is interfering into too many internal affairs of the individual Nation States.

Is the BBC completely bonkers?

Why is the BBC paying Jonothan Ross (top) and Graham Norton (above) millions of pounds for their services as chat show hosts and reality TV show presenters?

Ross is an adult with the mind of an adolescent: his sense of humour has not progressed beyond the sixth form at school, and his reliance upon constant sexual innuendo and references to various bodily functions become increasingly boring. He is, in fact, a right royal pain in the backside. I am no prude, but this man is too much. His financial reward for his puerile performaces are obscene.

Whilst relying much on the same sense of humour for which licence fee payers are showering Ross with cash, Graham Norton can at least can be credited with being quite amusing, but again I cannot begin to understand why he is worth so much money.

Apparently the BBC governing body does not consider that the financial rewards given to Ross and Norton are excessive. I beg to differ.

The Rise of the Trumblies

Now that petrol and diesel are through the roof at over £5 a gallon I've noticed that as more and more car drivers are unable to afford to keep their tanks filled, more of them are driving everywhere at 40 mph or less in an attempt to conserve fuel. We are all becoming "trumblies".

This is increasing both journey times and the level of frustration. It is to be hoped that the Government will get the message being driven home through the current on-road protest by truck drivers that something needs to be done about the huge percentage of the fuel price at the pumps being taken in tax. We are, I think, the most heavily fuel taxed country in Europe.

Haulage companies are going out of business, and the cost of moving foodstuffs and other goods around the country is pushing up the price of everything.

On the subject of taxes I am sure we are all now wondering why our hard-earned cash is being used to fund the outrageous expense demands of Members of Parliament. Thanks to pressure exerted under the Freedom of Information Act we now know for the first time that our money is being used to fund (apparently legitimately) the most ridiculous things, such as installation of pergolas in gardens, mortgage interest payments on second homes that don't even have a mortgage, painting of second homes, maintenance of lawns and hedges, Sky TV subscriptions, and the employment of partners and relatives as Parliamentary Assistants. I'm not saying MPs don't do any work, but they do get paid handsomely for the privilege of representing us and I don't see why we should also be subsidising their additional luxuries. Next time some candidate or other canvasses me on my doorstep I shall demand to know what specific lifestyle extras he or she expects me to be funding if he or she is elected.

Gore Vidal brightens my Sunday

How refreshing it was to find Gore Vidal as a guest on Andrew Marr's Sunday AM TV program this morning.

It's always a good thing to have someone around who can shine a bright intellectual light into the murky corners of international politics.

As someone who knew President John Kennedy well he was asked by Marr whether it was right that people should see in Barak Obama something of the John Kennedy "Camelot" times. Vidal responded by saying that if he were Obama he would be rather put out by the comparison since whilst John Kennedy had an undoubted charismatic presence he didn't actually do anything useful - he initiated an abortive attempt at invading Cuba and he expanded the war in south east Asia.

Why then, asked Marr, should people be making this comparison?

Because, replied Vidal, we are talking about the United States of Amnesia.

As for George W Bush, the man is certifiable and he has a sinister Vice President with a liking for torture. This nest of ninnies has torn up the Magna Carta and the Constitution.

I couldn't agree more.

Inside the Mind of the Bureacrat

This morning I received a letter from my local District Council. They had written to me because my part-time work includes driving children to and from school. I was instructed either to attend a course on the safeguarding of children against physical, mental or sexual abuse, or to take the course online. The bureacrat who wrote the letter explained how I could find the appopriate website and how the course would be laid out. At the end of each module I would take an online test, and if I passed all four modules I would be able to print out my Certificate of Basic Awareness in Child Protection. So far so good, but then came the advice, "Your computer will need to be attached to a printer".

I can't help feeling that anyone not in possession of sufficient intelligence to realise that in order to print a document from one's computer it would need to be attached to a printer should not really be in charge of a vehicle, let alone children.

Anyway, I took the online course (it took about an hour) and passed all four tests. Fortunately I also managed to print out my certificate so I could send a copy to the bureacrat. Perhaps I should have enclosed an accompanying letter advising that in order to read it she should first remove it from the envelope.

Car Review

Can you remember all those Skoda jokes? A few years have gone by since they were common currency in the comedy world, harking back to the days of Communist Czechoslovakia and the somewhat less than wonderful cars they produced. Mind you, we bought them pretty cheaply so perhaps we shouldn't have complained. "You get what you pay for." I almost miss the jokes ..

How do you double the value of your Skoda? Remove the badge.
Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.

A lot has happened since those days: the "iron curtain" melted, and Czechoslovakia reverted to Slovakia and the Czech Republic. German car makers VW bought Skoda (they must have seen some real potential there) and the quality and consequent popularity of Skodas rose in leaps and bounds. In fact, some motoring correspondents say that the build quality of the vehicles coming out of the Czech factory surpasses that of the VW cars coming out of the German factories.

My own experience backs this up. I have been driving a Skoda Octavia 1.9 litre diesel with automatic gearbox for five years, and can report that it has not suffered a single significant problem. It has been a joy to drive and on long journeys returned over 55 miles per gallon.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to change my car, and so I exchanged my Skoda Octavia 1.9 diesel automatic for a Skoda Octavia 1.9 diesel automatic! It is a 2007 model with 12,000 miles on the clock, previously used by Skoda management.

Although the same model by name as my original car, it has important differences: it has a new 6-speed automatic "DSG" (dual shift gearbox), i.e., if you want manual changes for any reason you just move the gearshift sideways, then give it a nudge forwards to change to a higher gear and a nudge backwards to go lower. In normal automatic mode, although you can just hear changes in the engine note as it goes through the gears you feel absolutely nothing.

This model is the "Elegance" rather than my previous "Ambiente" and so has a higher spec., including automatic climate control that can be adjusted individually by the driver and the front seat passenger, plus a facility for cooling the glove box. The diesel engine is very quiet, and inside the car it is not much different from driving a petrol engine. Another nice touch is the automatically dimming rear view mirror when a bright light comes up behind you. Another new feature (to me at least) is Cruise Control which I tried out on the A64 dual carriageway between York and Malton, a section that includes a steep hill. It was great fun setting the speed at 70 mph, and taking my foot off the pedal. When we hit the steep hill, the car just dropped a gear and maintained 70 mph to the top of the hill, with me doing nothing but steer. (OK, you people who've been driving with cruise control for years - give me a break - this is my first. Allow me to display some pleasure!)

The in-car entertainment includes FM and AM radio, having three FM and three AM memory banks, each of which holds 6 stations, so that's up to 36 pre-set stations. There is a single CD slot above the radio console, but in the (cavernous) boot (sorry trunk, if you're American!) there is also a 6-CD changer unit, so there is potential for playing up to 7 CDs. If that isn't enough to be going on with you can also listen to all the music on your iPod.

I can't believe that there will still be people out there who worry about a Skoda badge on the front of their car, but I have no hesitation in recommending these reliable, well-built, economical cars.

Boris Johnson London Mayor - 1st Speech 2 April 2008

More people would take an interest in politics if all the major political parties encouraged outspoken, free-thinking, humorous politicians like Boris Johnson, instead of the usual cheerless, on-message automatons that seem to be the order of the day at the moment.

Goodbye Red Ken, hello Blue Boris

Last week's election for the Mayor of London produced an unexpected upset for the incumbent Labour Party's "Red Ken" Livingstone, or .. as he became known during the election campaign .. "Ken Leavingsoon".

After two periods in office (a total of eight years) he achieved quite a lot in raising the image of London, reducing traffic congestion, and encouraging new development. On the flip side, his traffic congestion charge became controversial when the charges started going up, and the control zone was extended. The London Underground private finance initiative went belly up, and Ken was also criticised for his allocation of large financial grants to some pretty weird and questionable organisations. He also liked to play host to controversial political and religious figures, especially from the Muslim community; and whilst he was happy to organise St Patrick's Day parades, he would not give house room to any demonstration of English pride on St George's day.

He was, and is, in many ways a bit of a comedian with a controversial love life and a passion for newts (though I hasten to add there is no connection between the two!)

Londoners were really given the chance of voting for one of two comedians, because along came Boris Johnson for the Conservatives out of the blue - he of the tousled hair, TV show performances, posh voice, and frequently voiced political gaffes.

Boris is such a loose cannon in the Conservative Party that he was soon assigned a team of advisers to try and keep him away from his role of comedian and firmly on the straight and narrow political message. But anyone who knows Boris knows that this is a waste of time. Indeed this is part of his success: he is so outspoken, so "un-PC", so good at appearing to be a complete buffoon whilst actually concealing a sharp intellect and huge knowledge that even those would rather stick pins in their eyes than vote Conservative grudgingly acknowledge their affection for him.

It was, then, perhaps no great surprise that he should manage to come along and upset Red Ken's applecart.

Liberal Democrat Brian Paddick (ex-police commander) was out of site. He is a decent man who nevertheless seems to have suffered a charisma bypass and was therefore completely unable to compete against the two larger-than-life characters fielded by the Labour and Conservative Parties.

Other News

Petty Bureacracy is alive and well

It's good to know that we still employ pea-brained "jobsworths" in public service to remind us just how stupid human beings can be. Last week an 82-year old woman disabled with Parkinson's Disease parked her car in Kendal to take a rest as she was feeling unwell. It was a no-parking area, but she possessed a "disabled" permit to display in her windscreen, so she was legally parked with the permit on display. Unfortunately she had not noticed that the permit was on display upside down. A parking warden came along, and rather than waking up the sleeping woman to politely draw attention to her oversight he just slapped a penalty notice on her windscreen. South Lakeland Council rejected her appeal.

In the same week, at the other end of the country, in London, a woman was prosecuted because her "Oyster" pre-paid bus card was 20p short of the amount for the journey. She swiped the card on the machine next to the driver and didn't notice the bleep indicating it was short of funds. The driver said nothing. During her journey an Inspector boarded the bus, and on checking her ticket said she was 20p short. The woman apologised and immediately got our her purse to pay the difference. The Inspector was having none of that: he said he would have to report her, she would get a form in the post on which she could explain herself. She got the form, explained the circumstances and submitted it. Next thing she knows is she's been summoned to appear before Sutton magistrates later this month.

What kind of country have we become, with such idiots messing up our lives? Is it a reflection of our education system that such people are produced and given paid jobs?

Who is Gordon Brown?

A regular American contributor of comments on this Blog responded to my last post about UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown by confessing to knowing little about him, nor even having seen a photograph.

Gordon Brown acquired a good reputation early on as Tony Blair's Chancellor of the Exchequer and was well known for his frequent use of the word "prudence" to describe what drove his financial policies.

Unfortunately, on the other side of the coin (geddit?) he was driven by an overwhelming ambition to replace Tony Blair as leader of the Labour Party and Prime Minister. In fact the story goes that when Blair was elected Leader he promised Brown that he would in due course make way for him at some stage. This made for a difficult (and sometimes imposssible) relationship between these two key men in government.

When Brown eventually realised his ambition last year he changed from the "Iron Chancellor" into the vaccilating Prime Minister, and also became haunted by some of the policies that he had been responsible for as Chancellor.

Some of his less savoury acts as Chancellor included imposing a tax regime that led to the near destruction of the insurance and pensions industry, and removing the financial incentives from the state of marriage.

He is the man who introduced a lower rate of income tax set at only 10p in the £ between the level of untaxed income and the level at which the normal rate of 22 pence applied, thus helping the lower paid. This is the same man who, bizarrely, last year slashed the normal rate of 22 pence to 20 pence (with a great fanfare) but at the same time abolished the 10 pence rate that he'd introduced a few years earlier. The result, this year, is that those of us who are reasonably well off are now better off, but those who are struggling are now worse off. (So much for the Labour Party being the party for working people and the disadvantaged.) The outcry within his own Party has been such that he has now been forced to promise some kind of refund for those who have suffered by the latest tax change.

After ten years of Labour Government the rich are richer, and the poor are poorer. We couldn't have asked for more from a typical Tory Government!

Brown, Britain and Basra

I read in today's paper that whilst Prime Minister Gordon Brown is in Washington gushing enthusiastically about his love of the USA, Americans, and American television, the love might not be reciprocated.

There may be two reasons for this: a lot of Americans don't know who the hell he is, and quite a few members of the gang currently occupying the White House are a bit pissed off with the performance of the British Army in Basra.

They don't like the fact that, having trained up the Iraqi army and police to do the job themselves (which, I recall, was their remit) they have withdrawn to an "overwatch" position. American generals want them back on the streets of Basra to give the militias there a good pounding. They are annoyed that Brown has declared his intention to draw down British troops in Iraq.

They had better get over it because we should have never have been there in the first place (nor should the Americans, come to that), and if the White House and the Pentagon think we should stay, well, tough titty! And if the Iraqis wish to conduct a civil war, then that's their business. Good luck to them, because they'll need it: Iraq is an artificial construct and I doubt if it can survive as such without it being propped up by someone else.

As for the question, "Who is Gordon Brown?" a prominent member of the Labour Party establishment opined yesterday that "Gordon Brown was put on this earth to remind us how good Tony Blair is."

The Man for Me

I thought I would watch five minutes of this but thirty minutes later I was still watching and listening. He's the man for me. It's a shame I don't have a vote! Clinton can't hold a candle to this man, and as for the present incumbent of the White House he appears by comparison to be even more of an intellectual dwarf than we had at first thought.

Hysterical E-mails and the Dollar Coin

I've just received one of those many e-mails that fly around cyberspace asking to be passed on to all one's friends to spread some rant or other on subjects that are usually associated with Patriotism, or the Military, or God, or all three together.

This latest one is about a new US Dollar coin and the e-mail urges Americans to refuse to accept it and ask for the paper version instead. Here in the UK we became similarly exercised some years ago when the £1 note was replaced by the £1 coin, but not for the same reasons that Americans are wound up about their Dollar. The British were upset because it was easier to carry a wallet full of notes than a pocket full of heavy coins.

Why are Americans upset by the Dollar coin? Well, this is what the e-mail says ..

"You guessed it - 'IN GOD WE TRUST' IS GONE!!!
If ever there was a reason to boycott something, THIS IS IT!!!!
DO NOT ACCEPT THE NEW DOLLAR COINS AS CHANGE
Together we can force them out ofcirculation.
Please send to all on you mail list !!!

This is ridiculous. Why?

Well, first of all, if you study this picture on the left you will see "IN GOD WE TRUST" engraved around the edge of the coin.

Second of all, if you trust in God, why do you need to be reminded of it on your money - any more than you need to be reminded of your patriotism by flying a flag outside your home? (something else I don't understand!)

Brown's "British" Buses

A couple of years ago the UK Government introduced senior citizens' bus passes entitling them to free travel on "local buses in their area". This was a welcome move, and moreover it was said we could look forward to the scheme being extended to provide travel on local buses in any part of the country.

That moment has arrived and we have been sent our new bus passes, together with an explanatory leaflet from which we learn the following: "From 1st April 2008, the new national bus concession will enable passholders to get free off-peak travel on local buses anywhere in England."

The statement is an oxymoron. .. NATIONAL bus concession .. anywhere in ENGLAND.

Now our (Scottish) Prime Minister has been banging on at great length since he took over from Tony Blair about the importance of being British and the desirability of preserving the United Kingdom. Why, therefore, can we not use our bus passes in Scotland or Wales?! And, if you live in Scotland or Wales you have your own passes, but I'm afraid you cannot use them in England. Why not?

Please, Mr Brown, do I live in England or do I live in Britain? I am confused. I am denied an English Parliament (unlike my Scottish and Welsh neighbours) but I am provided with an England-only bus pass.

Brown is several seats short of a double-decker.

Time Magazine on Britain's Teenagers

The latest edition of the American magazine Time contains a lengthy article on the apparent depths to which Britain's teenagers have descended. It is reported that 20% of the UK adult population is scared to walk the streets at night in our cities. As this magazine is published all around the world this feature can only be described as a huge embarrassment, not least to the Labour Government that, in ten years, has totally failed to deal with childhood poverty, discipline in schools, and effective policing.

In my view, part of the problem has been the fanatical devotion in recent years to so-called "Human Rights" with no counter-balancing devotion to the matter of "Human Responsibilities". In my book, if a teenager smashed out of his or her brain (as likely to be a girl as a boy) on cheap, readily available alcohol decides to stick a knife into you for the hell of it, then he or she forfeits all human rights. If someone gets tanked up on cheap, strong lager from their local supermarket before entering a night club to complete the process of brain and liver destruction, then falls out of the premises at 2 in the morning to vomit and urinate in the street before starting a fight, then the Police can, for my money, treat them as roughly as they like.

It's no use asking where the parents are because as like as not they are also smashed out of what passes for their brains.

Last night we were visited by two teenage friends. Their politeness, humour, attitude to work, ambition, and general appearance were a timely counterbalance to the above story, and we are fortunate enough to know many such young people. It is a desperate shame that these are not the people who make the newspaper headlines or get into Time Magazine.

Surfer's Soliloquy

To BLOG or not to BLOG, that is the question —
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous comments,
Or to take arms against a sea of e-mails,
And by opposing, end them. To cry, DELETE —
No more; and by deletion say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. CTRL, then ALT —
DELETE, perchance to live! Ay, there's the ESC,
For in that real life what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this “virtual” coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of “virtual” life,
For who can bear the dark blue screens of death,
The spammer’s songs, the offers of viagra,
The pangs of “virtual” love, the law's delay,
The insolence of chat rooms, and the loans
That have no merit and the gullible takes,
When he himself can’t clear his overdraft
With a bare cheque book? Who would be a bear
Of little brain in this computer’d life,
But that the dread of something after DEL,
The real-life country from whose bourn
No surfer returns, puzzles us still,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the hue of pixel resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And variations of dot pitch and R G B
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And so I stay confused .. F1 for help?

With apologies to

William Shakespeare

Six Nations Rugby Lunacy

Is the England Coach Brian Ashton mad or what? I know Jonny Wilkinson's performance was a bit below par last weekend in England's lacklustre losing game against Scotland last weekend, but considering his undoubted special talent and his long record of point scoring for England it seems incredible to me that he is being dropped from the team for next week-end's game against Ireland.

OK, so we beat France the other week, but the England team is still a bit of a rabble, so to drop one of their star performers is bordering on the criminal.

During last week-end's game Jonny was certainly not at his best, but during that game he became the world record holder for the number of goal points scored by one man (1,099 points).

I shall be watching the England v Ireland with some trepidation (not to mention a certain lack of interest). I used to get a lot of enjoyment from these games just on the strengths of Jonny's kicking skills. France v Wales will probably be more interesting, as Wales has shot back from nowhere during this tournament and is top of the leader board at the time of writing this. Italy is at the bottom (heading for the "wooden spoon"?)

Oath of Allegiance

It has been suggested by Lord Goldsmith (former Attorney General, now adviser to the Prime Minister) that teenagers, before they leave school, should take part in a citizenship ceremony and take a formal oath of allegiance to Queen and Country.

WHAT A PREPOSTEROUS IDEA !!

I have always thought that one of the more endearing characteristics of the British People is their understated sense of identity and patriotism. Most of us feel British, (or English, or Welsh, or Scottish) and are proud to belong to this nation, but (unlike our American cousins) we do not feel so insecure and unsure of ourselves that we feel obliged to fly the Union Flag outside every house in the street, nor shovel our patriotism down each other's throats at every opportunity.

The proposal throws up one or two problems as well: what happens to those who refuse to take part in such a ceremony, or refuse to swear an oath of allegiance to the Queen? For myself, I am far from being a teenager, but if I was asked now to swear such an allegiance I would refuse. I don't mind swearing allegiance to my Country, but not to the Queen. I've nothing against her personally, and she makes a good fist of a ridiculous job forced upon her by accident of birth; I just don't believe in the concept of a hereditary monarchy. I am a democratic republican.

There is a lot to be said for British Citizenship courses and a graduating ceremony for legally admitted immigrants to the UK, but as for imposing such a thing on the indigenous population as part of the process of leaving school, I hope that the whole idea gets laughed out of court.

Tales from the back of the School Minibus

Part of my job is the transport of eight primary school children to and from school. They are aged between five and eleven years.

Listening to the surreal conversations of the five-year olds is part of the pleasure of the job.

Me: "Don't unfasten your seatbelt while I'm driving."
Child: "It's OK - there are never any police down this road."

Child (in state of excitement): "Lionel, guess what."
Me: "What?"
Child: "My mummy's buying me a new water bottle".

Child 1: "I had a rat sandwich for lunch."
Child 2: "You can't eat rats."
Child 3: "You can - it's meat."
Child 4: "Did you know you can eat a duck?"
Child 2: "You're not allowed to eat a duck."
Child 3: "Well, you can eat a duck, but only if it's mad."

You heard it here first, folks!

Prince Harry & the Drudge Report

There's been a bit of a heated debate going on as to whether or not Prince Harry should have been sent to the front line in Afghanistan, and in addition to that, given that he was sent, should there have been an agreement with the news media on a complete blackout for the duration?

Personally I don't give a stuff about whether or not he should have been sent, since I am not a Royalist. That being said it was clearly going to be the case that he was going to be (in his own words) a "bullet magnet" and so from the point of view of securing the safety of his entire unit, then secrecy can, I think, be justified. He had to be brought back home for his own safety and for the safety of his unit, after the American website Drudge Report blew his cover. Well, thanks for nothing, Drudge!

Jon Snow of Channel 4 News got all worked up about the press cover-up, suggesting that it detracted from the reliability and reputation of independent news providers. (He said this with foot in mouth, apparently unaware of the fact that Channel 4 News had been in on the agreement!)

The greasy, self-important, voluble and generally ghastly George Galloway ("Respect" MP) expressed the view that this made the BBC part of the war effort.

Newspaper Headline of the Week .. WHEN HARRY MET TALI

Newspaper Cartoon of the Week .. a 1066 newspaper hoarding declaring "KING HAROLD IN BATTLE OF HASTINGS - COVER BLOWN BY FOREIGN TAPESTRY".