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14 February 2016

I'm Starting a New Religion

Let me run a few ideas past you. Why don’t I start a new Religion? How easy would it be? Would it help if I grew a beard and looked a bit more imposing? OK – I’ve grown the beard. Now I’ve got to tell you about the dream I had the other night when I was visited by an Angel who declared himself to be a messenger; from God, no less. I bet you’ve never been visited by an Angel, so listen up!

He told me that I was to be the Apostle of God and he would be passing me messages about how we should all be running our lives. Right, now you are listening, aren’t you?! I mean, that’s impressive that I’m receiving messages from God the Creator. There can be little doubt that you are going to be believe me and start listening to what I have to say.

Apparently I don’t have to write any of these messages down; I can dictate them to someone else, and they can be passed by word of mouth from one generation to another, but it would be preferable if they could be finalised by not later than, say, 2321 or thereabouts, by which time a number of people will have had the time to expound some ideas on how they should be interpreted, after which the messages (and interpretations and traditions associated with them) will be committed to digital media, and accepted as the final Word of God for all eternity.

That sounds OK doesn’t it?

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that I have a penchant for small girls and I intend to see to it that some of God’s messages make it clear that this is acceptable, even to the extent of marrying one and having sexual intercourse with her. I’m sure this is something you can quickly skate over in order to appreciate the greater good in everything else I have to say. In fact, to make it easier for those of you who are men, I’m giving you permission to have up to four wives, provided you accept that I can have as many as I want (because God said I can). Moreover, you’ll be effectively in complete charge of your wives, and if they misbehave, please feel free to beat them.

This seems a good time to mention that women, generally, are inferior to men, and in case of any disputes or wrongdoing, a woman’s word is worth only half that of a man.

In the unlikely event, gentlemen, that you are still feeling sexually frustrated, you have special dispensation to have sex with female slaves, or the wives of other nationalities you fight and conquer. I’m sorry, I had forgotten to mention that it’s OK to own slaves, and on the question of going to war against other people I’d also forgotten to mention that this is a useful way of ensuring that everyone else in the world accepts everything I’m being told by God. 

I’m sorry this sounds a bit dictatorial, but I also insist that if you speak not only against God, but against me as the receiver of His messages, this is Blasphemy in either or both cases.

Some of you may be wondering about rape, but this shouldn’t worry you unduly (unless you are a woman) since God gives you permission to insist on sexual relations with your wife (or wives) so, inside marriage, rape doesn’t really exist, does it? If she refuses you, she can consider herself cursed.

This isn’t to say that rape doesn’t exist outside marriage, because really you men are only entitled to sexual intercourse with however many wives you have, your female slaves, and the wives of those you conquer. Outside of those categories, however, you are in trouble, though not as much as might at first be thought since the woman’s accusatory words are only half the worth of your own words; so – enjoy!

One of God’s messages to me made it clear that there can be no compulsion in the acceptance of this Religion I’m giving you, and I expect that in the future a lot of people of other Faiths who achieve political power will feel obliged to keep on repeating that the Religion I’m giving you is a “Religion of Peace”, and it is a good idea for you to let them go on believing that. The thing is, some of those politicians will have neglected to read a message that appears much later on in the Series that states clearly you should fight all the unbelievers until or unless they accept the truths that I’m giving you.

As everyone knows, you should always obey the latest commandment, even if it contradicts an earlier one. This is called the Law of Abrogation.

I think it would help you in your compulsory duty to spread the word by force, to think of these unbelievers as pigs, dogs and apes. However, it’s OK to appear friendly towards them before you slaughter them, since much of war (and this is a holy war) is all about lies and deceit.

Finally I would instruct you to pray five times a day, making sure you wash yourselves first especially (you men) if you have been in contact with a woman (who is by definition unclean, especially during her menses). I admit these praying instructions don’t actually appear in the messages given to me by God, but it’s generally a good idea, don’t you think? So do it, but make sure you do not look upwards as you pray if you don’t want your eyes to pop out.

All earlier laws and scriptures handed down to other Faiths are hereby declared false, redundant or both.
- oOo –

APOLOGY: Soon after I wrote this, I was visited by another angel who whispered in my ear that my ideas are not new, and they had already been implemented about one and half thousand years ago.

Ah well, back to the drawing board.

©Lionel Beck – 14th February 2016

01 February 2016

21st Century Terminology in 20th Century Terms


Mr Droid's wife


One a day keeps the doctor away

Apple Mackintosh

A raincoat with fruit in the pockets


Person having a look around


Strap securing headgear in windy weather

Cell Phone

Prison telephone

Chrome Browser

Hard person having a look around


Outside lane of a motorway or expressway


In the space underneath the church


Optimum position for reading

Firefox Browser

Red-hot predator having a look around the hen house


Male sexual malfunction


See Username


Vivacious and jolly


The number 1 followed by 100 zeros (Googol)

Hard drive

Uphill in a 1930s Austin 7

Home Key

Key to the front door


Formerly known as a telegram


Location of a football when a goal is scored

Internet Explorer Browser
Someone looking for the football in the goal area


Isle of Sheppey


The guy you shoot when you don't like the message

Microsoft Access

A miniature doorway with a padded frame

Microsoft Excel

Tiny example of being best but only by a whisper

Microsoft Word

A single-syllable word, spoken softly

Mobile Phone

Cell Phone that's been released from prison


Very windy washday




Ordance Survey


Gloopy stuff


Very small-diameter shaft with a point at one end

Snipping Tool



Small bird drawing attention to itself


Communication between small birds


Given next to the font in church during baptism


A bit smelly


Something to let in the daylight

Windows Key

Device for locking a window

World Wide Web

Device for catching flies spun by an extraordinarily large spider


Rude & uncouth characters in Gulliver's Travels