01 February 2016

21st Century Terminology in 20th Century Terms


Android


Mr Droid's wife






Apple


One a day keeps the doctor away




Apple Mackintosh

A raincoat with fruit in the pockets




Browser


Person having a look around





CapsLock


Strap securing headgear in windy weather



Cell Phone

Prison telephone






Chrome Browser

Hard person having a look around




Dashlane


Outside lane of a motorway or expressway



Encrypt


In the space underneath the church




Facebook


Optimum position for reading





Firefox Browser

Red-hot predator having a look around the hen house


Floppy


Male sexual malfunction





Font


See Username






Gay


Vivacious and jolly






Google


The number 1 followed by 100 zeros (Googol)



Hard drive

Uphill in a 1930s Austin 7





Home Key

Key to the front door





Instagram

Formerly known as a telegram





Internet


Location of a football when a goal is scored



Internet Explorer Browser
Someone looking for the football in the goal area



iOS


Isle of Sheppey






Messenger

The guy you shoot when you don't like the message


Microsoft Access

A miniature doorway with a padded frame



Microsoft Excel

Tiny example of being best but only by a whisper



Microsoft Word

A single-syllable word, spoken softly




Mobile Phone

Cell Phone that's been released from prison



Offline


Very windy washday





Online


Washday







OS


Ordance Survey






Paste


Gloopy stuff






PIN


Very small-diameter shaft with a point at one end



Snipping Tool

Scissors







Tweet


Small bird drawing attention to itself




Twitter


Communication between small birds




Username

Given next to the font in church during baptism



Wi-fi


A bit smelly






Windows


Something to let in the daylight




Windows Key

Device for locking a window





World Wide Web

Device for catching flies spun by an extraordinarily large spider

Yahoo


Rude & uncouth characters in Gulliver's Travels


23 January 2016

Time for STRAIGHT Talking?


I hate intolerance and blind prejudice. I am therefore worried that what I am writing here might be construed as the ranting of an intolerant, prejudiced fascist. I appreciate that in these “politically correct” times I am tip-toeing around a mine field, and any minute now I might be the victim of an explosion of outrage from one of those people who like to regard different groups of people as potential victims.

I am a heterosexual male. There, I’ve said it! But Heterosexual is a long word for today’s level of education, and it’s deemed preferable to call me “Straight”. If I were homosexual, then I’d have to describe myself as “Gay” which, by the way, used to mean lively, animated, vivacious. To those who know me, therefore, I cannot be regarded as “Gay” in any sense of the word!

Depending upon which set of statistics you are happy to believe, and which country in the world you are looking at, I represent somewhere between 90% and 97% of humanity. So why is that I am beginning to feel like a minority under attack?

We are regularly bombarded by news items, editorials, blogs, and discussions concerning the so-called “LGBT Community” as if they are somehow a special breed of humanity requiring preservation and nurture, like some endangered species of animal.

Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Transgender people feature in television programs in proportions that far outweigh their actual number. I probably wouldn’t feel driven to even mentioning this but for the fact that they are sometimes thrust into our faces in the most graphical manner; the most recent manifestation of this was in a spy thriller called “London Spy” put out by the BBC recently, featuring two of the main male characters in a no-holds-barred nude scene of frenzied sexual activity, that added absolutely nothing to the story.

If I want to watch pornography (of any sexual persuasion) there are plenty of specialist Websites and subscription TV channels available to me or anyone else who wants to indulge.

I surely cannot be the only “straight male” who – on seeing two men engaged in a full-on kiss – has to say, “Pass the sick bucket”. It does make me cringe. Am I alone? Should I be pilloried? For reasons connected with my male sexuality, seeing two women in a similar situation doesn’t provoke exactly the same response, but it does provoke a feeling of discomfort and embarrassment, and of course it might then be my wife calling for the sick bucket! The reason for the difference in attitude is to do with mentally putting oneself in the position of one of the participants.

Having said all that, I need to assert that we are all human beings of equal worth. I really do not care if someone is gay¸ lesbian¸ trans-gender, bisexual, black, brown, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, or atheist so long as they are decent people. What any of them get up to in their own homes, churches, mosques or synagogues is none of my business. All that it is necessary to know about someone is .. what is your real character? Are you good or are you evil? Do you intend to help me or do you intend to harm me?

I defend all these peoples’ right to exist.

You achieve great things (or fail to achieve them) according to your own abilities (or lack of them). There should be no special treatment (with the exception of those who are physically or mentally disabled). Recently there’s been much soul-searching on the failure of the film world to nominate black actors for the OSCARS. Why?

Why is there a Black Police Officers Association?

Why is there not a White Police Officers Association?

Why is there not an Association of Police Officers with Unreasonably Big Noses?

Why is there not an Association for Real Sexual Equality? (ARSE)

My 13-year old grandson was recently given some homework for so-called “Philosopy & Ethics” studies. The task was to design a children’s book, with an appropriate front cover illustration, explaining how to deal with homosexual partnerships, families with two fathers, families with two mothers, and so on. Why?

Would he not be better served by being taught the fundamentals of civilised human relationships without constantly banging on about the “LGBT Community”?
Would he not be better served by being required to learn multiplication tables? That would be a novelty, wouldn’t it!

Finally, returning to the subject of TV programs .. if we are going to get warnings before a program starts that there will be “some strong language” and “scenes of a sexual nature”, then in the spirit of placing everyone into labelled boxes, perhaps they could be more specific and say, “There will be scenes of a homosexual nature”. Then “straight” guys like me could reach for the Remote.

Lionel Beck

Male Heterosexual
Human Being
Humanist
Atheist
Liberal Democrat

Please donate generously in support of this endangered species. Thank you.

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