Election Manifesto for the
In the belief that the advantages of being in the EU outweigh the disadvantages, we propose that the UK should comply fully with EU principles except those with which we disagree.
Border Control: We will take full control of our own borders. If we wish to plant hollyhocks and delphiniums in them, we will not be dictated to by the French that they should be entirely given over to garlic bulbs, nor by the Germans that we should plant sausages.
Freedom of Movement within the EU: We intend to propose that the chains on leg irons should have another couple of links added to increase freedom of movement.
Greek Exit: We wish to discourage the whole idea of a Greek Exit on the grounds that in the event of a serious fire this would discriminate against those of us who are not Greek.
The teaching of “Creationism” will be banned in all schools. God knows it’s wrong.
Sex education in schools will include and introductory course in Latin, with particular reference to the meaning of “coitus interruptus”.
We intend to stop sitting on defence in order to reduce the incidence of splinters in bottoms.
People who avoid paying their taxis will be compelled to use other forms of transport. We propose to remove VAT (Value Added Taxis, i.e., those that carry advertising)
We will increase the Personal Allowance to £12,500 thus taking millions of people out of any obligation to pay taxis. Taxi operators will consequently become insolvent but will obviously benefit from the aforementioned increased Personal Allowance as their income will below that threshold.
We will always be in favour of transport, as being a useful means of getting from A to B and vice versa.
We will build a network of mobility scooter paths in order to reduce the deaths of pedestrians.
People who drive with their mouths open and wearing hats at the same time will have their driving licences revoked.
Highway authorities will be prohibited from erecting signs saying NO ROAD MARKINGS. The rationale is that a driver who is unable to see that the road on which they are driving has no markings should not be in possession of a driving licence. Similarly, signs saying NEW ROAD LAYOUT AHEAD will be banned on the grounds that local people saw the changes being made, and people from outside the locality were not aware of the original layout. They also become particularly meaningless when the signs remain in place for up to five years.
The HS2 project will be re-routed to replace the current East Coast main line, thus avoiding going anywhere near Birmingham.
The railways will be returned to Public Ownership, and all trains brought up to the same standard as French TGVs.
Capital Punishment will be restored, but reserved exclusively for two groups of people: those who put apostrophes in the wrong place, or use apostrophes where they are not needed, and those who persistently fail to turn up for hospital or GP appointments.
Social cohesion and integration
We intend to set up a new government agency known as the Office of Political Correctness (or “Ofspeech”) to be headed up by Jeremy Clarkson.
Cartoonists will be required to operate on a not-for-prophet basis.
Cartoons, dolls or puppets representing Punch & Judy will be banned on the grounds that they are offensive to white people, being a gross caricature of both their facial features and their personal ethics. That’s the way to do it.
All religions will be discouraged, and everyone will be obliged just to be nice to each other.
Foreign policy should be in English so we can understand it and this, basically, would involve not sticking our noses into everyone else’s business.
A & E Departments will be known as Alcoholics & Emergency Departments. For people who fail to turn up for appointments, please see the Justice section above.
In order to be worthy of their huge salaries, doctors need to be prepared to be hauled out of bed at 3 in the morning to examine Grandma’s arthritic knee.
Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesdays will be replaced by a half-hour session of custard pie throwing; this would be similar to the current level of behaviour, and yet be far more entertaining.
To see further details of our policies please visit our Website (currently down for maintenance).