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05 October 2017

Olympics for the Elderly

      We are all getting older, folks, and also living much longer. A friend of mine recently attended a birthday party for a man who is 105 years old. We oldies are the ones who bother to go out and vote. Because we do our civic duty regularly I think we are owed the opportunity to integrate more into society, and what better way would there be than to be able to join the sporting fraternity. Sports of all kinds have a huge following, and I don’t see why we oldies should be reduced to watching them in front of a TV with a glass of beer and a packet of pork scratchings.So I’m proposing an annual Olympics for the Elderly (some of us might not be able to wait for the 4-year cycle to come round). Here are my Event Categories:   

  •       Motor Racing
  • ·         Spatial Awareness
  • ·         Athletics
  • ·         Rowing
  • ·         Tennis
  • ·         Ice Skating
  • ·         Cycling
  • ·         Fencing
  • ·         Boxing
  • ·         Climbing
  • ·         Table Tennis
  • ·         Weightlifting

Motor Racing

The task is to knock down the most pedestrians with a Mobility Scooter along 500 metres of a typical High Street.

Spatial Awareness

The task is to park a car in a really stupid place so that buses can’t get through and pile up behind. The winner is the one who accumulates the largest number of buses.


This is a timed event, and the aim is to achieve the fastest time in getting out of a bath.


This involves teams of two. Four couples sit in a long narrow boat. The couple that has the most serious row about housework leading to one pushing the other into the river is the winning couple.


The person displaying the biggest swelling on a tennis elbow gets the Gold.

Ice Skating

The same High Street used in the Motor Racing Event is covered in hard-packed frozen snow, and contestants have to walk 500 metres carrying two bags of shopping. The winner is the contestant with the largest number of broken bones.


Another team event, in which the teams have to separate 500 kg of household waste and place items in the correct re-cycling bin.


This is a Male/Female team event. The two males stand on opposite sides of a 50 metre fence, at one end. The two females stand similarly at the other end. At the firing of the starting gun (and assuming nobody has a heart attack) the male contestants start creosoting their side of the fence, working in the direction of their female partners. Meanwhile the females gossip over the fence. The winning team is the one where the male has reached the point at which he is creosoting his partner’s elbows AND she has also covered the greatest number of subjects on which to gossip.


When the bell rings, the first one to reach the phone wins. (Sadly, after a life time of blows to the head they are both demented).


This takes place on the north face of the garden rockery, and the contestant who has removed the most weeds gets an advantage.
There is a second stage involving climbing the stairs to bed, in which the contestant with the advantage from the first stage gets to start half way up the stairs. First into bed wins. (People who live in bungalows are disqualified).


This event involves two partners watching TV. One asks the other to pass the remote control. One successful lift of the ‘remote’ is all that’s required, though extra points are awarded if the recipient is then able to switch channels. There is an elitist group of seasoned practitioners who go in for an extreme (though some say altruistic) version of the sport, in which one person keeps the ‘remote’ on top his head and his partner lifts it from that position, thus taking a weight off the other’s mind.

Table Tennis

A married couple sits at the table, one at each end. When the bell rings they assume it’s a marketing call and remain seated, after which the man says, “More potatoes please”. The woman asks, “How many?” He replies, “Four love” .. which turns out is the winning score.

Events unlikely to be successful

An assortment of gymnastics have been tried but abandoned because of certain difficulties. They include ..

   Parallel Bars

                Time-wasters trying to order drinks

             Vaulting Horse

                Easily confused with Climbing.


                See Vaulting Horse

             High Bar

                See Parallel Bars


                Likely to upset people with tinnitus.


                Long-term accommodation costs for spectators waiting at the finish line.

             High Diving

                Uncertainty about the stability of incontinence pads.

So join me now in the slowest-growing bowel mass movement in the history of mankind.