We are all getting older, folks, and also living much
longer. A friend of mine recently attended a birthday party for a man who is
105 years old. We oldies are the ones who bother to go out and vote. Because we
do our civic duty regularly I think we are owed the opportunity to integrate
more into society, and what better way would there be than to be able to join
the sporting fraternity. Sports of all kinds have a huge following, and I don’t
see why we oldies should be reduced to watching them in front of a TV with a
glass of beer and a packet of pork scratchings.So I’m proposing an annual Olympics for the Elderly (some of
us might not be able to wait for the 4-year cycle to come round). Here are my
Event Categories:
- Motor Racing
- · Spatial Awareness
- · Athletics
- · Rowing
- · Tennis
- · Ice Skating
- · Cycling
- · Fencing
- · Boxing
- · Climbing
- · Table Tennis
- · Weightlifting
Motor Racing
The task is to knock down the most pedestrians with a
Mobility Scooter along 500 metres of a typical High Street.
Spatial Awareness
The task is to park a car in a really stupid place so that
buses can’t get through and pile up behind. The winner is the one who
accumulates the largest number of buses.
Athletics
This is a timed event, and the aim is to achieve the fastest
time in getting out of a bath.
Rowing
This involves teams of two. Four couples sit in a long
narrow boat. The couple that has the most serious row about housework leading
to one pushing the other into the river is the winning couple.
Tennis
The person displaying the biggest swelling on a tennis elbow
gets the Gold.
Ice Skating
The same High Street used in the Motor Racing Event is
covered in hard-packed frozen snow, and contestants have to walk 500 metres
carrying two bags of shopping. The winner is the contestant with the largest
number of broken bones.
Cycling
Another team event, in which the teams have to separate 500
kg of household waste and place items in the correct re-cycling bin.
Fencing
This is a Male/Female team event. The two males stand on
opposite sides of a 50 metre fence, at one end. The two females stand similarly
at the other end. At the firing of the starting gun (and assuming nobody has a
heart attack) the male contestants start creosoting their side of the fence,
working in the direction of their female partners. Meanwhile the females gossip
over the fence. The winning team is the one where the male has reached the
point at which he is creosoting his partner’s elbows AND she has also covered
the greatest number of subjects on which to gossip.
Boxing
When the bell rings, the first one to reach the phone wins.
(Sadly, after a life time of blows to the head they are both demented).
Climbing
This takes place on the north face of the garden rockery,
and the contestant who has removed the most weeds gets an advantage.
There is a second stage involving climbing the stairs to
bed, in which the contestant with the advantage from the first stage gets to
start half way up the stairs. First into bed wins. (People who live in
bungalows are disqualified).
Weightlifting
This event involves two partners watching TV. One asks the
other to pass the remote control. One successful lift of the ‘remote’ is all
that’s required, though extra points are awarded if the recipient is then able
to switch channels. There is an elitist group of seasoned practitioners who go
in for an extreme (though some say altruistic) version of the sport, in which
one person keeps the ‘remote’ on top his head and his partner lifts it from
that position, thus taking a weight off the other’s mind.
Table Tennis
A married couple sits at the table, one at each end. When
the bell rings they assume it’s a marketing call and remain seated, after which
the man says, “More potatoes please”. The woman asks, “How many?” He replies,
“Four love” .. which turns out is the winning score.
Events unlikely to be successful
An assortment of gymnastics have been tried but abandoned
because of certain difficulties. They include ..
Parallel Bars
Time-wasters
trying to order drinks
Vaulting Horse
Easily
confused with Climbing.
Trampoline
See
Vaulting Horse
High Bar
See
Parallel Bars
Rings
Likely
to upset people with tinnitus.
Marathon
Long-term
accommodation costs for spectators waiting at the finish line.
High Diving
Uncertainty
about the stability of incontinence pads.
So join me now in the slowest-growing bowel mass
movement in the history of mankind.
