Election Manifesto for the
None-of-the-Above Party
European Union
In the belief that the advantages of being in the EU
outweigh the disadvantages, we propose that the UK should comply fully with EU
principles except those with which we disagree.
Border Control: We will
take full control of our own borders. If we wish to plant hollyhocks and
delphiniums in them, we will not be dictated to by the French that they should
be entirely given over to garlic bulbs, nor by the Germans that we should plant
sausages.
Freedom of Movement within the EU: We intend to propose that
the chains on leg irons should have another couple of links added to increase
freedom of movement.
Greek Exit: We wish to discourage the whole idea of a Greek
Exit on the grounds that in the event of a serious fire this would discriminate
against those of us who are not Greek.
Education
The teaching of “Creationism” will be banned in all schools.
God knows it’s wrong.
Sex education in schools will include and introductory
course in Latin, with particular reference to the meaning of “coitus
interruptus”.
Defence
We intend to stop sitting on defence in order to reduce the
incidence of splinters in bottoms.
The Economy
People who avoid paying their taxis will be compelled to use
other forms of transport. We propose to remove VAT (Value Added Taxis, i.e., those
that carry advertising)
We will increase the Personal Allowance to £12,500 thus
taking millions of people out of any obligation to pay taxis. Taxi operators
will consequently become insolvent but will obviously benefit from the
aforementioned increased Personal Allowance as their income will below that
threshold.
Transport
We will always be in favour of transport, as being a useful
means of getting from A to B and vice versa.
We will build a network of mobility scooter paths in order
to reduce the deaths of pedestrians.
People who drive with their mouths open and wearing hats at
the same time will have their driving licences revoked.
Highway authorities will be prohibited from erecting signs saying
NO ROAD MARKINGS. The rationale is that a driver who is unable to see that the
road on which they are driving has no markings should not be in possession of a
driving licence. Similarly, signs saying NEW ROAD LAYOUT AHEAD will be banned
on the grounds that local people saw the changes being made, and people from
outside the locality were not aware of the original layout. They also become
particularly meaningless when the signs remain in place for up to five years.
The HS2 project will be re-routed to replace the current
East Coast main line, thus avoiding going anywhere near Birmingham.
The railways will be returned to Public Ownership, and all
trains brought up to the same standard as French TGVs.
Justice
Capital Punishment will be restored, but reserved
exclusively for two groups of people: those who put apostrophes in the wrong
place, or use apostrophes where they are not needed, and those who persistently
fail to turn up for hospital or GP appointments.
Social cohesion and integration
We intend to set up a new government agency known as the
Office of Political Correctness (or “Ofspeech”) to be headed up by Jeremy
Clarkson.
Cartoonists will be required to operate on a not-for-prophet
basis.
Cartoons, dolls or puppets representing Punch & Judy
will be banned on the grounds that they are offensive to white people, being a
gross caricature of both their facial features and their personal ethics. That’s
the way to do it.
All religions will be discouraged, and everyone will be obliged just to be nice to each other.
Foreign Policy
Foreign policy should be in English so we can understand it and
this, basically, would involve not sticking our noses into everyone else’s
business.
Health
A & E Departments will be known as Alcoholics &
Emergency Departments. For people who fail to turn up for appointments, please
see the Justice section above.
In order to be worthy of their huge salaries, doctors need
to be prepared to be hauled out of bed at 3 in the morning to examine Grandma’s
arthritic knee.
Politics
Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesdays will be replaced by
a half-hour session of custard pie throwing; this would be similar to
the current level of behaviour, and yet be far more entertaining.
To see further details
of our policies please visit our Website (currently down for maintenance).
