Asinine Announcements

Travelling on South West Trains recently between London Waterloo and Teddington I was struck by how irritating are the repeated automated on-board announcements.

The more I listened to them the more I thought the number of words could be significantly reduced.

In measured tones (delivered by a prissy sounding female throw-back to 1940s BBC announcers) we get ..

“The next station is Norbiton. Please mind the gap between the train and the platform edge.”

Sixteen words! Let’s start wielding the axe ..

“Next stop Norbiton. Please mind the gap between the train and the platform edge.”

Fourteen words. But wait a minute; this is a public safety announcement, not a polite invitation. We can dispense with polite niceties ..

“Next stop Norbiton. Mind the gap between the train and the platform edge.”

Thirteen words. But wait a minute; where else would the gap be but between the train and the edge of the platform .. between the train and the platform roof? (There may be such a gap, but it doesn’t have to concern us.)

“Next stop Norbiton. Mind the gap between the train and the platform”.

Twelve words. But wait a minute; where else would there be a gap that we have to mind (apart from between the ears of the person who wrote these announcements)?

“Next stop Norbiton. Mind the gap.”

Six words. But wait a minute; we know there is going to be gap, because without it there’d be a nasty scraping noise as the train pulled into the station. People tend to aim for a solid surface rather than a gaping void when alighting from a train.

“Next stop Norbiton.”

Three words. There you go! – an 81% reduction in verbiage and we have all the information we need.

South West Trains take note.

Stupid Signs

Why do the numpties of the Highways Department think it is necessary to place these signs?!

Obviously it has escaped their notice that if you are driving a car along a road, then the actual road ahead is pretty much in your field of vision.

This being the case, the absence of road markings tends to be self-evident.

If the road is not in your field of vision I venture to suggest you should not be driving.

Similarly, if you read this notice, and then see road markings, then you might be hallucinating, in which case it's time to hang up your driving gloves.

Fortunately for you, however, it is usually the case that you are seeing the road markings because, having painted them on the road, the highways people have gone away forever and forgotten to take the sign with them.

Return of Common Sense

Internet jokes about the death of common sense have been flying around in recent years, but I am heartened by a couple of recent announcements by the UK's new Liberal Democrat-Conservative Coalition Government.

The first relates to the over-zealous use of (often imaginary) Health & Safety Regulations by Local Authority officials to ban all sorts of enjoyable and traditional activities in the interests of health and safety, and the fear of compensation claims. Children's games (such as Conkers) have been banned without protective gear, traditional and slightly mad activities like pancake races and cheese rolling have been banned.

The Government is now making a plea for the return of Common Sense, and requires Local Authorities to make out a written case for banning anything under Health & Safety Regulations, and gives local communities the right to challenge any such ban. They also want a reduction in TV adverts for "no-win, no fee" legal services and a reduction in the so-called Compensation Culture.

The second piece of good news is that regulations preventing school teachers from physically restraining a child, or from offering physical comfort to a distressed child have been scrapped. Thank heavens that piece of nonsense has gone.

More Religious Nuttery

What is it with so-called religious leaders and their sexual deviancies? We've had plenty of evidence from the Catholic Church that thousands of children have been abused by priests.

Now I find myself reading in the New York Times today about Bishop Eddie L. Long (by the way - who made him a Bishop?) who has built a religious and financial empire from scratch, transforming a small, faltering church into a modern cathedral with one of the largest and most influential congregations in the country, down in Georgia.

Apparently four former members of his youth group have alleged that he coerced them into performing homosexual acts with him. Well, of course the word "alleged" at this stage has to be uppermost in our minds, but it was not just this that incensed me; it was the fact that this man thinks that God wants people to prosper, and Long certainly has: he favours Gucci sunglasses, gold necklaces, diamond bracelets and Rolex watches. He lives in a 5,000-square-foot house with five bedrooms, which he bought for $1.1 million in 2005.

I never fail to be astonished by how many so-called religious leaders actually know what God wants, and what God wants is - surprise, surprise - usually pretty much in line with their own fantasies and desires. Long apparently believes that Jesus was not a poor man. He also believes that women should submit to their husbands. (Where have I heard that before?!)

No wonder this man heads up such a rich and powerful Baptist Church with a huge congregation .. his message is get rich, show off your wealth, and subdue your women. It's what God wants.

Corporate Madness

In the days when Britain's trains were run by the State controlled British Rail one came to expect visits to the strange and wonderful world of the bureaucratic mindset.

I had hoped that with the privatisation of the railways we might see some more sensible decisions by train company boardrooms, driven as they should be by the need for good customer relations.

It is sad to report, then, that Stagecoach (the company that operates South-West Trains) have seen fit to fine Emma Clark and Davyd Winter-Bates £114 for getting off their train two stops early!!!

The couple were travelling to Southampton from London with South West Trains when they decided to get off two stops early at Eastleigh.

When they handed over their tickets at the station, they were told they were each being fined £57 because they had not stayed on the train until their destination.

The fine was twice the standard fare of £28.50.

The company said the couple had been fined because they were using discounted tickets, which do not allow passengers to break their journeys.

In a statement, the train company said: “Leaving a train early is not allowed on heavily discounted tickets. The fine is double the standard single fare.”

Miss Clark said to the Sun Newspaper, “It is utter madness. I could understand being fined if I had stayed on the train two stops beyond my destination.”

Hear! Hear! I can only describe this as a signal failure of common sense leading to a PR image heading straight for the buffers!

Berlin 2010

Ground Zero and Zero Tolerance

The proposal in New York that a large Mosque and Community Centre should be built near "Ground Zero" has raised a few hackles, to say the least. There are rational ways of looking at the proposal but, hell, how many people these days like to think rationally?!

It's much easier to give way to our baser instincts of hate, fear and prejudice.

Thinking rationally, the proposed Mosque and associated community centre mirrors other similar centres in New York already enjoyed by Christians and Jews. Thinking rationally, the awful tragedy of the "Twin Towers" involved Muslims being killed and Muslims taking part in the rescue operations. Thinking rationally, moderate Muslims are urged to step up to the plate and preach religious tolerance and denounce radical Islamic terrorism, but when moderate Muslims do just this and come forward with this Mosque as part of the solution they are criticised.

No, it's easier to be swept along by the 'Gingrichian' and 'Palinistic' rhetoric and make statements like "You can build a mosque here when we can build a synagogue in Mecca".

Since the general outrage should easily have been foreseen by the mosque proponents, I do think they can be fairly criticized for naivety and insensitivity.

On balance - and in spite of what I have just written - I oppose the idea on the grounds that organised Religion of all faiths is both the repository and the breeding ground for most of the evil visited upon this planet.

If we could all be allowed to believe (or not believe) in God, and be allowed to have our personal relationship (or no personal relationship) with God, without power-hungry men in funny clothes and fanatical evangalists, imams, pastors and priests having the gall to tell us how to think, the world would be a better place.

Two Things making me Mad

1. FACEBOOK TRIBUTE PAGE TO RAOUL MOAT

It is a great relief to know that the Moat Tribute Page has now been taken down, but the fact that it was set up in the first place, and contributed to by thousands of people is deeply disturbing. What does it say about our society when this man is treated as some kind of hero, when he (on release from prison) murdered his ex-girlfriend's new partner, seriously injured his ex-girlfriend, then went on to shoot a policeman sitting in his patrol car (thus blinding him), before going on the run and threatening to kill any policeman in his path, and later threatening to kill members of the general public on a random basis.

After a week-long search in the wilds of Northumbria, using police forces from all over the UK, at huge expense, Moat eventually shot himself having been surrounded by armed police. I am shedding no tears for him. As for those idiots who contributed to his Facebook Tribute Page, they have neither intelligence nor morals.

2. WHAT CONSTITUTES A CRIME IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH?

The Vatican, after sustained pressure over the world-wide scandal of paedophile priests, has now belatedly made it easier for these perverts in long dresses to be called to account. But at the same time it has been stated that paedophilia is on a similar footing to the crime of attempting to ordinate women into the priesthood.

I despair of all organised religion, and the Catholic Church in particular.

Digital Britain

Apparently the proposal to switch off FM radio by 2015 is still on course. I am incensed about this. Nobody asked us our opinion. Millions of car radios will become obsolete. Millions of domestic portable radios will be worthless. DAB radio has an appalling record for quality and ease of reception.

Digital TV has been a completely different set of circumstances: the switch to digital TV broadcasting has enabled us to receive a far greater choice of channels, and for the most part reception is OK. But with radio we already have a superb collection of available FM channels giving high-quality sound; DAB broadcasting, by comparison, is hopeless.

I can't use a DAB radio anywhere in my house (even though I'm told that with my Post Code I should be able to get it!)

"Digital Britain" = "Backward Britain".

Click on the title to get more information.

The Coalition's Emergency Budget

The Conservative Chancellor of the Exchequer gave his emergency budget speech in the House of Commons today, bounded on one side by the Liberal Democrat Deputy Prime Minister and on the other by the Liberal Democrat Chief Secretary to the Treasury, symbolic of the unfamiliar new Politics of Coalition Government.

The Budget contents were about as unpleasant as was expected, with the widely anticipated increase in VAT to 20% (to name but one item), but with a number of welcome ideas for reducing our dependency on out-of-control Welfare Benefits in some areas.

Harriet Harman, acting Leader of the Labour Party made a spirited response in a manner which made one ask why she herself was not a prospective candidate for the Leadership job to be settled in September. But I took issue with her cheap shots against the Liberal Democrats, because had we been given this Budget today by a 100% Conservative Government it would have been a lot more unpleasant than the one we got, tempered as it was in many instances by the influence of the Liberal Democrats within the Coalition.

BP - (Barak's Politics)

The devastating oil blow-out in the Gulf of Mexico was caused by an inadequate fail-safe device that was not owned by BP.

The rig was not owned by BP.

The whole operation was put into place under the eyes of a lax and inadequate US regulatory system.

The need for deep-water operations like this has been driven by an unassuaged American thirst for "cheap" oil.

BP is a huge international corporation with vast wealth. 40% of its shareholders are Americans. It has been known as "BP" for years, and is still referred to as BP, except from the mouth of the US President, when it becomes "British Petroleum".

BP has committed itself to dealing with this problem, to be working on the Louisiana coast for long after the media have departed, and to compensate everyone affected.

Contrast this with the attitude of the Union Carbide Company that contributed to the deaths of 15,000 people 20 years ago in the Bhopal explosion in India. We were recently reminded of this incident with the conclusion of an Indian court case against company officials. The CEO never had to answer for his company's actions and disregard for human suffering, and remains at home in retirement.

It is therefore inappropriate for Obama to be talking about "kicking ass" in the BP case, or taking legal action to prevent the payment of shareholder dividends, and legal action to enforce payment of salaries of other oil company workers who might be laid off due to an embargo on deep-water drilling operations.

£20 billion of British pension funds are tied up in BP shares, and the share price has been tumbling further with every statement coming out of Obama's mouth.

I suspect his attitude (which is also fuelling anti-British feeling in some parts of America) has something to do with the mid-term elections, and the need to be seen to be a better performer than George W Bush after "Katrina".

So long as BP is accepting its responsibilities, is working to solve the problem, and is prepared to return the affected shoreline and local waters back to normal, the President should keep his nose out of the company's affairs and stop trying to control something that BP (and associated experts) should be controlling.

Israel - A Rogue State

More mayhem and death from Israel! This time it took place on the high seas, in international waters.

A flotilla of humanitarian aid boats trying to break the Israeli blockade of the Gaza Strip was attacked by Israeli forces, causing many deaths and injuries on both sides.

The usual excuses were trotted out .. other ways of getting humanitarian aid were available, the blockade was needed because Israel was constantly under attack from Hamas terrorist groups.

Well, we all know Israel is under constant attack by terrorists, (which most of us condemn) but what do they expect when for decades they have illegally occupied, by force, lands that didn't belong to them - and continue to build on those lands?

What do they expect when they separate entire communities by a concrete wall that the old East Germany would have been proud of?

Israel recently cloned British and Australian passports as part of a state-sponsored assassination scheme, causing severe stress on diplomatic relations with those countries.

Israel is out of control and I can do nothing but regard them with contempt.

For the past couple of years or so I have not (knowingly) purchased anything made or grown in Israel, and will continue this policy for as long as they continue to be an uncivilized State.

UK GENERAL ELECTION - It's the Dave & Nick Show!

Well, that has been the weirdest General Election I have ever experienced. Usually a national "swing" from one Party to another is easily discernible, and once you've a dozen or constituency results in you can see which way the whole thing is likely to end up.

But not this time. There was no discernible pattern.

Some seats went from Conservative to Labour, others from Labour to Conservative, others from Labour to Liberal Democrat, others from Liberal Democrat to Conservative. In two adjacent London constituencies previously held by Liberal Democrats, one was defeated by a Conservative, and the other increased his Liberal Democrat majority. In the north of England one seat experienced a 20% swing (almost unheard of) from Conservative to Liberal Democrat.

The vagaries of the British electoral system resulted in the Liberal Democrats increasing their national vote and ending up with fewer seats than before. Gordon Brown's Labour Party suffered the biggest losses, though were spared the predicted wipe-out. David Cameron's Conservative not only got the biggest share of the national vote but also gained the most seats, and yet were denied a working majority in the House of Commons.

Nick Clegg's Liberal Democrats did a deal with the Tories to form Britain's first Coalition Government since the second World War. I am fairly comfortable with that, considering their combined votes represents 60% of the electorate, and in the serious circumstances in which we find ourselves it is imperative that we have a strong government that can take the necessary decisions and actions.

I've no time for the Liberal Democrat complainers who say they have been betrayed. What do they want? Have they enjoyed their years of impotence?

No Liberal Democrat (or their predecessors) has been able to gain a position of power within the lifetime of most us. Now we have the rare and exciting occurrence of Liberal Democrats being in a position to influence affairs, with five sitting in the Cabinet, and many others in junior ministerial positions. Moreover we now have a Liberal Democrat Deputy Prime Minister. This has been the stuff of dreams for generations.

I hope this will usher in a new era of civilized politics. The new Coalition has made a good start by taking a 5% reduction in salary of all government ministers, frozen for five years; I also applaud the proposed introduction of fixed-term parliaments (thus taking away from the Prime Minister the right to call an election any time he sees fit to suit his own purpose). Both the Tories and the Lib-Dems have had to sacrifice some of their extreme and cherished policies. Good.

UK GENERAL ELECTION & the VOTING SYSTEM

We all got intoxicated with Nick Clegg and now we've woken up Clegless. Well, not exactly Clegless - he's still there but his Liberal Democrats finished up with less seats than before, even though their share of the popular vote went up by 1%.

In fact the Liberal Democrats nationally polled 23% of the vote and finished up with (at the time of writing) only 8% of the seats. In other words, the usual nonsense.

The Conservatives clearly increased both their share of the seats and their share of the vote, and therefore (according to Nick Clegg) have a right to try and form a government, but in this regard they would need to talk to the Liberal Democrats regarding how to get their support.

Gordon Brown's Labour Party could not form an overall majority in the House of Commons even if they took the Liberal Democrats on board.

In other words, another fine mess caused by an electoral system that fails to reflect the wishes of the British people.

UK GENERAL ELECTION & the VOTING SYSTEM

Click photo to enlarge

Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg (left), Conservative David Cameron (centre), Labour's Gordon Brown (right), debating on TV, an event that transformed this election from plain boring into mildly exciting.

The most significant aspect of this first-ever national TV debate between Party Leaders is that it has propelled the Liberal Democrats to the forefront of the national consciousness. Because the vagaries of the British "first-past-the-post" electoral system have tended to give the Liberal Democrats only 60 or so Parliamentary seats on the back of 25-30% of the popular vote, they have hitherto been given less prominence in media coverage.

The new national TV debates have changed all that with Nick Clegg being given equal prominence to the other two Party Leaders, a prominence that has done him no harm at all!

Conservative and Labour votes tend to be concentrated in certain constituencies, whereas Liberal Democrat support is more widely distributed, resulting in their failing to succeed in the same way. Even though they are now riding high in the opinion polls, pretty much on equal footing with Conservatives and Labour, projecting the polls into actual seat gains on May 6th indicate perhaps a hundred or so seats (in a 630-seat Parliament).

Ironically, Nick Clegg's rise and rise has led to the other two Parties making the following statements ..

Voting Liberal Democrat will let Labour in.

Voting Liberal Democrat will let the Conservatives in.

If this doesn't expose the ludicrous nature of our electoral system I don't know what does!

Here's a radical thought: what about having a system whereby voting Liberal Democrat lets in the Liberal Democrats?

I know, too silly for words.

UK GENERAL ELECTION & the VOTING SYSTEM

I asked my Conservative Candidate Anne McIntosh whether she would sign up to Electoral Reform.

She replied (predictably) - “I support the tried and tested first past the post system”.

She has therefore lost any chance of receiving my vote.

One of the reasons people have become disconnected from Politics is the increasing realisation that the governments we elect bear no resemblance to the feelings of the voting public.

The Conservative slogan is Vote for Change and yet David Cameron has set his face against the only change we are crying out for: an end to a so-called democratic system that allows him to say things like “A vote for Clegg is a vote for Brown”, “A Lib Dem vote is a wasted vote”, and then for Anne McIntosh to say this is a “tried and tested system”.

It is a system that has given us governments with huge majorities based on the support of less than 40% of the voters; a system where politicians insult our intelligence with this garbage about wasting votes and voting for one person and getting another. Such unrepresentative governments gave us the Poll Tax, destroyed manufacturing industry, took us into an illegal war, and smothered us with “political correctness”.

Tried and tested?

Tried – Tested – Failed!

UK GENERAL ELECTION - The Usual Farce

Current opinion polls suggest that about 62% of the British Public do not want a Conservative Government, and yet such is the stupidly undemocratic nature of our voting system, that if people vote as they say they intend to, then the likelihood is that we shall finish up getting a Conservative government anyway, and it will be representing about 38% of the population.

I've been driven to distraction by this tyrannical system for the whole of my life, and I'm fed up to the back teeth with it. As a point of principle, whoever I vote for in this election, I shall be making a point of ensuring it is not for any Party that refuses to accept the need for electoral reform.

I guess that rules out the Conservatives. Labour are promising a referendum on the need for electoral reform, so that puts them in a slightly better light. The Liberal Democrats, Greens, and UKIP are all in favour of a fair voting system.

I'm sure most of the rest of Europe think we are completely barmy to put up with this kind of thing.

UK GENERAL ELECTION

So now we know .. it's May 6th.

For the first time in my life I am a "floating voter".

I am a "don't know".

I am looking forward to the first-ever TV debates between the Leaders of the Labour Party, Conservative Party and the Liberal Democrats, even though I'm sure it's not going to be a very spontaneous affair. It's a step in the right direction.

Even if (and it's a big IF) the Conservatives come up with some attractive policies, they are still opposed to the reform of the voting system. Our voting system is not democratic. I am, heart and soul, a democrat.

Therefore, as a floating voter, if I finish up floating in the direction of voting Conservative, then we can all look forward to some skating sessions on the frozen lakes of Hell.

Afghanistan

With President Kharzai making more and more frequent statements criticising NATO countries and their role in Afghanistan, coupled with his failure to address the question of fraud and corruption in his government, now would appear to be a good time to get the hell out of that place.

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!

Life is getting sillier by the day.

Insurance Industry

Earlier this year I booked a Thames Cruise in a holiday boat. Of course I was asked to take out travel insurance. I found a company on a price comparison website, and applied for insurance for the dates of this UK river cruise. Having completed all the questions on destinations, dates, health matters, etc., they took my money and sent my insurance policy.

Two weeks ago the ship company said they were being forced to make alterations to the boat to meet disability access regulations. Reluctantly they had to offer us alternative dates for the cruise. (Good news - at a discounted price!)

So I notified the travel insurance company of the new dates, whereupon they came back and said your insurance policy is invalid: we don't insure cruises in the UK. (Good news - they agreed to refund my money). Forgive me for wondering why they would issue me with a policy in the first place!

Power Industry

The glass front of our electricity meter got damaged a week or two back, by an electrician doing some re-wiring in our house. I notified the power company and they sent me a letter saying someone would call on 31st March to replace the meter, and it would be between 8 a.m. and 1 p.m.

By 4.30 p.m. he hadn't turned up (though at some stage my wife had noticed a meter company van near the end of our road). We rang the power company and were told that the meter man had been unable to find our address. We asked what address they had given him, and it was incorrect. We were instructed to phone again in the morning to arrange a new date.

Next morning (after negotiating a 7-item phone menu list, and being held in a queue for 15 minutes) I was notified that the power company would have to notify the meter company of our correct address and this would take until the 7th June (!!!) Would I then please phone them again to arrange a new visit date. When Margaret Thatcher privatised the electricity and gas boards we were told that this would lead to much greater efficiency than the old nationalised industries were capable of.

Bathroom Equipment & Courier Industries

We are clearing out the bathroom, reorganising it, and fitting a new bathroom suite. The other week the new toilet unit was delivered. The cistern had two great chunks knocked out of it.

The suppliers sent a replacement. (Good news - very quickly). The cistern arrived in three broken pieces. I suggested to the supplier that they change their courier. The guy said, "We're on our third one now."

The next replacement was OK. Then the vanity unit (mirror and shelves above the wash basin) arrived. When I started to attach the three shelves to the back board, I found the holes drilled and plugged in the back edge of the shelves were set 96 mm apart, and the equivalent holes drilled in the back board were set 100 mm apart, and at three different distances from the left-hand edge of the board. Also one of the three shelves was marginally larger than the other two.

The replacement is awaited.

The UK Government IT Industry

The firm I work for uses a payroll and income tax program provided by Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs. After downloading a recent update to the program we couldn't get it to work.

We e-mailed the Help Desk, and they came back with this classic ..

Please be advised that we have identified that there is a bug in the
system which causes the CD-Rom not to function on the last day of any
moth which has 31 days. This should however have returned to normal
from the 1 April onwards.

Aside from the unbelievable concept of critical software that doesn't understand the days of the month, we couldn't help noticing that in their response they managed to mention the word bug and moth in the same sentence!

Enough of this nonsense. Onwards and upwards!